Archives for category: Disappointment


In my opinion;
Some of the most popular literature in the world is found in the book of Psalms; the songbook of Israel which most were set to music.

I am only one of millions who love Psalm 23,The Lord is my Shepherd, Psalm 90, the oldest Psalm, written by Moses, Psalm 46, a favorite read at funerals, God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Post adultery Psalm 51.

Have you ever had trouble- trying to silence a guilty conscience?

Guilt in the back of our minds can drive us nuts.

Many people try all sorts of ways to deal with the terrible feelings of guilt and the low self-esteem that inevitably comes after they’ve messed up.

Some people try to Deny it or make excuses or they try to ignore it

OR you can Deaden your guilt, by eating, drinking, inhaling, or injecting something to make the pain go away.

Sometimes people try to compensate by doing something good -Guilt is a powerful motivator.

It’s not unusual for people to goof up and be stupid or be unwise or get loss in the moment and make a mistake or get lazy let down their guard and commit a sin.

When we do something wrong, you or I can try to cover it up or fess up.

Because I have friends who have suffered the after effects of adultery I often think of the story of King David and his adultery with Bathsheba.

David wrote Psalm 51 after his sin of adultery right after being found out his attempt to cover up didn’t work.

So here’s the true story: David is lazing around in the palace when he should have been at work with his armies [fighting the Ammonites] with too much time on his hands and happens to see a woman taking a bath, and instantly lust takes hold, and he tells his servant, bring her to me. Bathsheba of course, being the wife of Uriah One of the highest ranking men who helped him win many victories…

And wouldn’t you know that after this little affair Bathsheba gets pregnant and the great cover up begins. He brings Uriah home from the war, and try’s several times to get him to sleep with Bathsheba, but being an honorable soldier – he won’t.

Since that didn’t work David put Uriah in front of a battle to get him killed – The plan works, Uriah dies.

David immediately marries Bathsheba.

I wonder, did David have a guilty conscience? I believe the creator was displeased with David’s actions.

I often wonder what 8 months of Bathsheba’s pregnancy were like. Was she suspicious of David, what were his thoughts.

I think he was gonna try to deal with it by not dealing with it.

Ignore it.

But creator God is not gonna let him forget it.

Enter; God’s prophet Nathan came to confront him.


What has history told us what David said; “I have sinned against the Lord!”


Even if you aren’t a Bible believing person Psalm 51- a psalm of David is amazing.

Psalm 51

1  Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
    blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me


I guess what I am saying is that the Only way to deal with a guilty conscience – ADMIT.


We are responsible for our own lives and It does no good to blame other people, or blame my circumstances.

Edgar Allen Poe’s story, “The Telltale Heart”?

In that story, the main character has committed murder and he buries the body under floorboards in his house. But the murderer can’t escape the guilt of his deed.

He begins to hear the heartbeat of his dead victim. A cold sweat pours over him as that heartbeat goes on and on, relentlessly, getting louder and louder.

Finally the noise in his head is driving him crazy, he can’t take it anymore, he’s sure everyone else must hear it too, and they’re just taunting him by ignoring, it, just playing with him. And so finally in a fit of desperation, he confesses everything and shows policemen the body.

I would be stupid to think that our/my actions doesn’t hurt others. For me personally because of my commitment I have to make it right with the creator before I can make it right with my family or neighbor.

Guilt is good if we allow it to guide us to better decisions.

Dr. Brand who spent much of his life in India working with leprosy patients made a major discovery – Because of the lack of pain they were constantly injuring themselves which would result in amputation.

Guilt is just as important to our lives as pain and it is a warning sign that helps us know that something needs to change.

There are bad choices, mistakes, neglects that are not sins, but may require forgiveness.  But there are things I choose to believe are sin. We are caught in a web -in a mess, sin, stupidity – we need mercy and grace – well I do.

Mercy to escape the bad, and grace to be given the goodness of forgiveness and freedom to go forward.

Forgiveness does not come cheaply neither physically, emotionally nor spiritually. (Someone pays)

For the psalmist David he understood this –  in his day they dipped hyssop in the blood of sacrificed animals and applied to the altar or doorposts over the house.

As I follow the teachings of Christ – it is inherent in his teachings that if we ( I ) sin it is paid by his shed blood. My relationship with my creator allows a Higher accountability for my thoughts, words and actions.

In the case of adultery blood spills because the lifeblood of the relationship dies.

Rarely, it is recovered through forgiveness.

It’s that powerful force of love That gives us forgiveness, mercy and grace.

The psalmist said Create in me a pure heart, O God, renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore unto me the joy. We all need strength and power to keep us on tract and stay away from that which caused us guilt in the first place.

What’s the use of guilt alone – but “I’m sorry” “I repent” and I want to make a change is necessary.

A change of heart.
A change of mind.
and A change of direction.

Such contrition removes guilt AND joy replaces inner anguish.

Truly each of us is in charge of our lives and choices and we are often challenged by them.

However, it is important to note that whatever we do there are ripple effects.

Don’t get me wrong; we will make mistakes, but whatever happens in your life – Admit and Go Forward.

I know it’s been a serious tone tonight on my blog, but do come back.

Stay Kind Hearted!
Stay Safe!


Thanks for reading my blog.








Are you Positive or Negative?
heart 13 p_edited b_edited-1

Check your spirit’s temperature.

  • Negative thoughts are caused by the inner debate about self-esteem, security, money, people, life in general
  • Negative feelings can go from anger, frustration, irritability, to even anxiety and depression
  • Negativity breeds more negativity and goes on a witch hunt for more to collect to the end of your imprisonment
  • Constant hammering thoughts about others and yourself day by day WILL take its toll and you could lose yourself
  • It’s a waste of time- not one single benefit of thinking negatively – SO THINK POSITIVE
  • Be aware of your thoughts and think why
  • Make a list of things about yourself to make changes; go on you can do it
  • Find a path to forgiveness of the past or it will kill your present
  • Negativity produces toxic waste in our emotions, body, psyche and spirit
  • Stop and consider your thoughts and stop the negativity. Practice making that change.
  •  Surround yourself with positive people and positive situations.
  • You don’t have to be negative because someone else is living a negative vibe.
  • Watch your perspective/attitude
  • Be kind
  • Look for the Positive
  • Go for a walk or run to release the brain chemicals to enhance an overall good feeling
  • Meditate
  • Relax
  • Have a gratitude Spirit
  • Banish Self Pity
  • You deserve the best life; see what great qualities you have and nurture them

I will go so far as to say that negativity and negative thoughts can be  dangerous to your health!

Toxic Waste

of unwanted thoughts,
trauma and perspiration
questions and visions
what ifs?
why not?
how come?
ralley to threaten
trance rapid
intense head pain,
enemy within
tentataclous spectrum
tell tale
i will let you down
and make you cry,
and counting
10, 9, 8 ….

March 22, 2013

My prayer for you is for a new spirit of vitality and more positivity.  May you feel liberated unto Joy!

Thanks for reading my bLoG!


A dear young friend of our family, whom I love as a son,coming from India and after 2 years of bureaucracy is finally bringing his new wife home to Canada.

We were so excited to meet her yesterday. Of course being the sap that I am I wanted to give her a gift created in my heart. I have no Bling, things or money. But I have a heart that thinks it’s rich. Well I am rich in intentions. So I envision a painting.

I began the painting….
The first color or the foundation pale turquoise done perfectly. 3 daisies done pretty good…

Then the word L O V E – from there a perfect mess. Wow that’s terrible; a mess from the wonderful word of Love.
My daughter said she thought the word LOVE was messy and awful.
 I was crushed and began to make it better. Why should I be crushed she voicalized what I thought..the more I tried to fix it the uglier it got..

I showed my failure to my husband and he said and I shall quote, “Don’t listen to anyone else; do what you feel is right, you’re the painter. You should have left it alone. It was beautiful the way it was. Why Change it.”

My response was well I’m not really a painter but I shall trash the painting tomorrow and start fresh.
Then I thought no I should keep it awhile as a testament to failure.


Is failure wrong?
Few failures are fatal.
We or I should say; I act as if it’s the end of the world.

I reminded myself that upwards to 90% of athletes never win a medal but they keep going, keep training. I should expect no less of myself.

$10 worth of paint, $15 canvas and 15 hours…gone…
I guess ego was a part of my problem.
I think I forgot that some successes starts with failure.

I forgot a valuable lesson; the more I tried to fix it without calling it a mistake the uglier it got.
Sometimes it is better to start fresh.
Sometimes trial and error is important.

Is failure really failure?

Well, on some level I failed big time today. My painting is a PERFECT Example of Failure. Brought tears to my eyes. But then I was reminded of that great quote: “Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement”.. C.S. Lewis

Maybe then I should expect Success with my Next painting.

Once emotions are taken out of the equation will it be called a failure?

It was my emotional attitude that caused me to feel like a failure.  With a new canvas I started a new painting. In fact it took a different path with a new life of its own.  Better than the first.

Believe me Failure will surely educate us.
– Thomas Edison said he had 10,000 failures before he learned how to work the light bulb. He said he didn’t call it a failure; he called it an education.
– “I know 10,000 things that don’t work.” There are some things in life that are only learned through failure.
– Failure isn’t special – everybody does it. But to learn from failure is special. And smart people learn from their failures.
– As surely as failures educate us; failures also develop our skills.’
– And for sheer humility; makes us less judgmental, more sympathetic.

As sure as shootin Without ‘failure’, it’s easy to get an ego or to look down our noses at those who fail.

How we respond to failure is especially important for our children looking on.

For it is them, that often; follow in our footsteps.

Never give up. Find whatever is necessary within yourself and the creator to keep going forward and continue to aspire to learn and live with integrity.

If you fail don’t forget it. Don’t forget how it felt. Don’t forget what could have been done differently so you won’t repeat the mistake or failure. Not in a demeaning way but as illumination signpost. You’re not the only one that ever failed.  There is a positive spin because we all have successes. One thing for sure it should Never be a total Failure but always a lesson!  Turn that supposed failure into a bright number and shoot for the stars.

I would encourage those whose life began in abuse or dysfunction and remains in its cycle.  I believe you can find a way out of that and start a new path; start fresh and have a completely new ending for your life.  I trust the creator can give you the power to overcome all that is necessary to become whole once again.

Quotes worth Pondering:
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
― Winston Churchill
“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”
― Winston Churchill

As a kid I heard the saying,

‘What’s down in the well will come up in the bucket’ so with that in mind here is a good proverb…

“Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”

What’s in the well comes up the bucket!

It’s always a good thing when something bothers you, deal with it that day or it will surely stay in the well. I know this to be true but when I want to speak to the person about the matter I trivialize ‘nah won’t bother’.

My personal attitude is to face change with courage, face disappointment and get on with it, choose happiness get over it, you can do this cause no matter what God loves you.
But what happens when you face disappointment day in day out.

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.   It is a source of psychological stress.

After awhile ‘nah I won’t bother’ is a little more difficult because the well is murky.

Sleep is more restless, patience wears a little thin when plans go a muck.
Relationships are strained and tears begin to fall.

To back track for several weeks I have been having a lot of chest pain [to make a long story short of course I’m never short] meant I am wearing a heart monitor these past two weeks.  Going about my daily routine the blooming monitor began to make its recording beep -another unusual reading from my heart. Time and again this would happen it certainly would give a person a heart attack.

Naturally I do not believe I have a heart problem. Me who thinks I’m a doctor and believe she is a physiologist began to ponder.

I was not listening to my own body language. The well water has gone far beyond murky.  It was time to take a peek. Why did I feel so disappointed?

Sudden Lost of a Full time job 3 years ago change in our financial status and lack of overtime hours for my husband and possibly losing our house has brought us to a fork in the road.

Remembering the unbelievable pride and that electric feeling  my book “Feet First” is published April 2011.  I believe it to be a very important book and the accompaniment manual I am presently working on with the submissions of many people around the world is proving to be a very good Resource Manual.

What has happened? No volunteer reviewers for Feet First.  I have read every possible article, blog on Indie writers and their books. Certainly I need a publicist. The quest to be heard has brought me to a fork in the road.

Something simple as a planned family event proved to be a bit daunting.  It too has brought me to a fork in the road.

2012 a paramount year for me; I’ll be 60.  So why am I not happy about that.  The thought of my 60th birthday has consumed my thoughts now for at least 6 months. I attribute 60 with the realization we have no retirement plan or financial package.  Suddenly the illogical wishing we could live in a warm climate on a river boat has brought me to a fork in the road.

So many complicated things have ocurred over several weeks and it has brought me to a fork in the road.

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. – Maya Angelou

Today as I was with my youngest grandbaby watching her tantrums, crying to be heard.  She has had a bad week with a cold, missing mom and dad, cutting her teeth she seemed to be at a crossroads. I let her cry it out for a while then encouraged her to get up in my arms.  She fought me on that one for a few minutes and as I was giving her her bottle she closed her eyes and began to fall asleep  with a background melodic nanny singing. She didn’t want to go in her crib and settle in so I allowed her to nap in my arms for an hour and half.  Not good I know but I thought she needed the consolation.

An hour and a half in almost silence just my humming gave credence to think once again.

Looking down into her beautiful face was simply breathtaking. Listening to the deep sighs a release from her previous episodes of cries was heartbreaking.

No I didn’t have a brain wave and all my problems are solved.  No solutions at this point just an attitude check.

The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.  – Arnold Glasow

As much as it pleases God to bless you, there will be moments when everything you try goes up in smoke. There will be moments when the one you counted on most walks away and leaves you groping through blinding tears and wailing questions of why. Plans and goals can be circumvented by the most disappointing of times, leaving you learning the art of patience and the acceptance of a denied request.  T. D. Jakes

Just a Detour

My passion to promote awareness about abuse and ways we can make changes with my book “Feet First” is still valid.  We each can play a part in making a difference in the well being of a child.

Far too many adults are living fractured, separated lives and the multiple complexities that accompany their being. This impacts all our children in the care of the church & community. There isn’t time to mope about but to keep talking, sharing, educating and challenging people on the subject of abuse.

In researching abuse in general or specifics there is clear, scientific evidence shows abuse has long-term physiological, neurological, emotional and developmental impact.

Victimized people commonly develop problems secondary to their abuse, including anxiety and depression.

A survivor of child abuse I will continue to campaign for the advocacy of putting a stop to all forms of abuse. My desire is to be a vessel of honor for God who wishes to speak for those who can’t speak about their traumatic pasts.

Patty  Rase Hopson said, “You Can Shut Me Out…But You Can Not Shut Me Up! I Broke My Silence!”


Abuse changed my life and now I must never forget to continue to fight back.

The well is a little clearer now!

Broken Wings Video!

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